Coffee, Break, and Laziness

It's Christmas break and I'm pretty much annoyed with myself. Yes, I drink WAY to much coffee, yes, I sleep until 1pm, yes, I don't do anything all day, no housework, no friends here, nothing to do. However I'm super annoyed that this is my day let's start early in the day: 4am go to sleep, 1pm wake up, 1pm-4am sit and watch TV and eat. Even when I go to lay down at 4am I don't get to sleep until about 5:30am and I don't get it.

This would be my life if I didn't go to school and have friends there, this would be my reality. I hate it, even when I supposed to be on break I don't like the fact that all I do is sit around. It doesn't help that I'm broke so I can't go anywhere really and if I did go anywhere I would have to shamefully ask mommy for money.

I guess what I'm saying is I'm tired of being a little kid, but it is my fault completely and I guess this is why I'm so annoyed. I make excuses for myself, and I never live up to my or anyone else's expectations. I've always had a problem with apathy and it is still a big factor in my life. All there is to do now is just pray and try because I've been doing this for years.

Peace.

peace in grieving

I don't know her, I don't know her family that well, I don't know much. All I know is that her story has already started off very interesting. Her brother died after birth, God helped her to live, they were brought into the world together yet he left without her, he left her here in this sin filled world while he rests. I know their grandfather, thats really all I know of the family and I barely know him. All I know is that he inspired me to find peace in grieving no matter how horrible it is. He lost his very first grandson, his lineage, his blood, and I know it had to hurt.

He sent us an email which described people in the Bible who had lost something or someone very dear and didn't know why. That was the point, we don't have to know why. Then he talked about his grandson and all the hopes he had for him and that they won't amount to anything but blessed is he who sees now what we strive to see. This young being so quickly returning to his creator, sees only what we imagine to see in the glorious kingdom. The beautiful thing is no matter what we will be reunited with the ones we lost and still love. His sister, having the same birthday, the same almost everything will meet him for the first time with her eyes completely uncovered.

My heart hurts for them, the family, and all touched by this. As he said in the email "See you in the morning" I guess everyone we have missed and everyone gone from this world, to my grandmother, uncle, aunt, my grandfathers and grandmother that I've yet to meet, I will see you in the morning.

I don't know where I'll find you

I've been thinking a lot about relationships and all and I'm totally oblivious. Honestly I don't know where I will be in ten years, a married missionary or a single one. A lot of people are kind of afraid of being single for the rest of their lives specially missionaries. Seriously though in thinking about it I think I could be single for the rest of my life, however I feel very strongly that there is someone out there the God is going to bless me with. It may not be now, it may not even be in the next five years, but it's worth the wait.

Between now and whenever this man will come into my life I have to focus on God and the plan he has for me now. My heart cannot focus on the things that I want for myself in this world, a husband, children, and anything else. If I never get those things but keep my heart focused on God and fill my heart with his love for the people of the world and follow through on that love then I will never be in want for a husband or children. However it will truly be a blessing if God sees it fit to bestow those things on me, and everyday I will thank Him for them. So whoever you are if I'm even supposed to meet you, I don't know where I'll find you or even if I'm meant too, but even still I will praise the Lord for all the blessings I have now.

Peace

To whom shall we go?

So I've been reading in the book of John. I've read it before but you can read the Bible many times over and still find new things, and still be awestruck by the verses.

John 6:67-69 caught me. I read it and felt it's power. The chapter talks about feeding the five thousand and Jesus walking on water and also the bread from Heaven. What first struck my interest in the chapter was Jesus being rejected. Then it continued with disciples turning away because they couldn't handle what Jesus what speaking of. After many had left, Jesus turned to the twelve and said, "Do you also want to go away?" Okay so this struck me in a number of ways because what an honor it is to be chosen by Jesus himself while he is on earth to follow Him everywhere and learn EVERYTHING directly from the mouth of the son of God. Wow. Also, to turn away from that, especially since they had very obvious physical proof that he is the Messiah, is crazy talk.

Anyways, those verses, John 6:67-69 goes as follows:
67"Then Jesus said to the twelve, 'Do you also want to go away?' 68 But Simon Peter answered Him, 'Lord to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.' 69 'Also we have come to believe and know that You are Christ, the Son of the living God."

For real? How awesome is that? "Lord to whom shall we go?" Like, where would I go if I didn't have Christ in my life? I would return to the world, the ugly worthless world. So basically I would go to nothing. It almost seems like Simon Peter was like "Um...Jesus....we got nowhere else to go cuz we have kinda been waiting awhile for you and you have the keys." Not only that but He professes that Jesus is the Christ the Son of God.

I don't know...just something that amazed me when I read it. Kinda cool how God's word can do that. Sweet.

Happy reading.
Peace

Creepy things made better

Last night at MACU was this worship service we call FRAZ. It was kind of wierd because we did a skit and played the part of "lead demon." This skit was about Job and how he served God and expected nothing back after he lost it all. As a "demon" we were told to be as creepy as possible, and I totally got into character. As most people who I affiliate with know...it's not hard for me to be creepy but I had to be demonic creepy. Now as a child of God I pretty much felt like I had to pray before doing this.

Not only did I have to be demonic creepy but I had to be the one on stage with "satan" pretty much at his feet marveling at him. Of course I knew this was for a good outcome but truly when we role play there is always a possibility that we can get sort of infatuated with that character. Though it was a small part of the skit I believe it was a big part of the story.

However, when our part was done we all went into the pues and worshipped God, I know I did with all my might. It was such a cleanser from portraying this demon to really worshipping. It was such a great feeling to really feel God after all that crazy acting. God makes life so much happier and he definately turns any dark situation to light.

Praise a fathomless word

This morning I was sitting in the final session of Oasis (a program for highschoolers at MACU) and the speakers message was ending with the fact that the angels in heaven are forever praising God with everything they have. I can't fathom it, it's so beyond my comprehension. However the speaker was reading a passage in Revelation where it describes the angels praising God and the words they said. He then asked us to join with the angels and say exactly what they say in Revelation and to this day.

So he read a part of it aloud and pointed at us to repeat. The congregation gave a very tired reply, and the speaker expected it. He EXPECTED it. I mean the angels who are praising the REAL God are saying these words with all of their might yet we on this earth can't do the same for fear of judgement by others. How shallow? How fearful? I felt ashamed at myself for it, why should we be afraid to praise God in our own unique way? He loves our praise, He loves when we love Him, why be so fearful?

Then when we sing praise songs and I look around briefly, I see people just standing there. No expression on their faces except boredom. What's more exciting than being free enough to praise our God everyday? It's a blessing, and at every chance I will praise my God with everything. I'm tired of letting others control how I praise, I'm tired of people feeling as if they don't need to praise. I feel it in my soul everyday. Praise be to my God on high! One day I'll be among those who sing praise eternally! How crazy cool is that!

Peace

Inspirations

So in my life there have been many inspirations, my family, friends, missionaries, and all around good people. I miss a lot of people dearly and I only wish that we could all be in one place for a long time. So many friends I don't see anymore, but I still keep them in my heart.

I guess thats what it'll be in heaven, everyone together in one place forever united in peace. All of my inspirations those I have met and those I haven't all in that perfect place. Maybe then I will really get to express to them what their life meant in mine, even if they never knew I existed. I am so stoked to see what God has for these peoples lives and I'm am so priviledged to have them in my life.

These inspirations are blessings to me. Never in my life would I have grown spiritually without you, never would I see passion at it's finest. I love you all, I love your love, kindness, sillyness, serious talks, and accountability. God bless you all to the fullest extent. Thank you.

Peace.